It’s been a looooong time since I’ve last blogged and I’m not proud of it. Actually, many times I feel guilty for not keeping up with this, because it is a way that I honor my son. And sometimes that makes me feel like a bad mom. However, the emotions of this second pregnancy have been overwhelming, and I just haven’t been able to sit down and put my thoughts in order as I would want to. Not to mention, we moved from one side of the world to the other (while 30 weeks pregnant with a very unhappy cat), and had to get set up from scratch at our new place and figure out things like driving on the right side of the road again and other reverse cultural shocks.
Lately though, I have really felt the overwhelming need to write. There are and were a lot of moments during this pregnancy that have been especially hard to get through and this 34th week is one of them. Luca’s heart stopped beating and I delivered him at 34 weeks, so that has been on my mind so much lately. It’s strange and difficult to experience huge amount of sadness for Luca, excitement for this new baby boy, and tremendous anxiety and fear for the health of this baby all at the same time. Truly it can be exhausting.
For awhile I postponed a lot of things that I needed to do to get ready for baby like working on the nursery, thinking about clothing, carseats, etc., because I was afraid that if I made those preparations something would surely go wrong and then I would have a carseat in the car and a room decorated, but with no baby. I’ve finally started to be able to move past some of those fears and have been able to find joy and excitement in getting ready for baby. I still have those fears, but I am able to focus more on the excitement thankfully. It certainly helps that I can feel baby move every day, which calms me and assures me that he is well.
Here are pictures of his nursery, which my husband and I just finished painting (I drew and he painted) – alpine themed! 🙂 Now, just waiting for all of our furniture and household goods to arrive from Japan, so we can complete it!
During the earlier months, I was sometimes overcome with anxiety to the point of feeling ill over whether or not baby was okay. During those months, I went to the hospital at least three times for fear that something was wrong and I had lost this little boy too. Many of those instances were around the times in my last pregnancy when bad news was delivered. I was so lucky to have an amazing care team in Japan and a compassionate and understanding hospital who encouraged me to come in any time that I was fearful. Whether it was those hospital visits or my regular checkups, each time they put the monitor, doppler, or ultrasound on me I felt as though I would throw up in those seconds that I had to wait to hear a heartbeat or see his little face and know he was okay.
Today, at 34 weeks plus six days, we had an ultrasound. My doctor suggested it both to ease my mind and because he is my new doctor here and wanted to see things for himself. The ultrasound technician acknowledged our first baby and mentioned Trisomy 18 and said she was sorry to hear of our loss. I told her some of the markers that Luca had had that led to his Trisomy 18 diagnosis. She went to each tiny body part of our new baby boy and showed me clearly and carefully that everything was okay. I started out the exam with the usual tightness in my chest and higher than normal blood pressure – it was this appointment in my pregnancy with Luca that I heard the words, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat.” I couldn’t help but remember that. My anxiety dissipated with each exclamation of health that she made. She understood our fears and did as much as she could to calm them – for that I am so thankful. I am also so thankful that my new doctor has an ultra calm demeanor (he has delivered babies for over 32 years!), which is exactly what I need for this upcoming birth.
Now that the craziness of moving has settled, I can reflect on how things are in our new home. Moving to Kansas has been bittersweet. On the one hand, it’s been refreshing to have a new start in a new beautiful home, and most of all be so much closer to family and our friends in the U.S. On the other hand, Okinawa was such a special place for us… Luca was born there and the beauty of the island – the sound of the ocean, the many rainbows and gorgeous scenery that appeared – truly helped to heal many of my wounds and provided peace in my heart. We left behind an amazing community – a military family of the most wonderful friends who supported us like I could have never imagined. They let us talk about our son without it being awkward and we all were there for each other, both to celebrate the happiest of times as well as life’s sorrows. Being on the other side of the planet now, I miss them so much!!!!
While I love to get out and meet new people, it has been both difficult and awkward with our circumstances. One of the biggest daily challenges an angel mom or dad has, which I know I’ve mentioned before, is when someone asks, “How many kids do you have?” or “Is this your first?” I, like others, struggle with how to answer this question every day and my answer depends on how I feel at that moment. And usually, no matter what, I feel badly about however I end up answering. If I am out and it’s a completely random person that I won’t see again, I usually just say, “Yes, it’s my first.” to avoid the awkwardness, but mostly because I don’t want to get into it with someone I’ll never see again. However, I always walk away from that feeling guilty and sad that I did not mention one of my children. In the other scenario, I meet a lot of people that I will see again or might see again and usually I choose to say, “No, this is my second.” Sometimes, it’s easy and they don’t ask anything further and it can be nice, normal light conversation. But, the natural next question is, “How old is your first?” Then, I say, “He actually passed away last year.” That person I’m talking to then feels terrible and goes quiet and I then feel terrible for making them feel bad or awkward. But, to me it’s still worth it to tell the truth. I always tell them that it’s okay and not to feel bad, which is kind of weird to console someone else about the death of your own child, but I want people to know that he is part of our family and like any angel mom, I like to talk about him, so that is why I answer truthfully. I also really don’t want to deal with someone talking to me like I haven’t been through birth before. The best case scenario is when someone asks those questions and is not awkward or quiet. Instead, they say they are so sorry and/or ask more about Luca. While I can understand why people would hesitate to ask questions, I am always willing to answer those questions. To take a step out of your comfort zone to ask someone about their child in Heaven is a gift to any bereaved parent. It truly makes my day to be able to talk about Luca even if it’s just one sentence.
Last week, I tried out a yoga class at my new gym. It was titled, “Gentle Yoga,” which it was, but I still had difficulties doing about 80% of the moves maneuvering my legs and arms around my giant watermelon sized belly… it was comical. It felt good to stretch and at least I did something! As we neared the end of the class, the teacher changed the music as we be began our shivasanas. Yoga has been an emotional, but healing part of my grief journey, and as soon as I laid down to meditate and bring an end to my yoga practice, I instantly recognized the song by Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole… “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I was thankful that everyone else in the room had their eyes closed as I lay there in silence with tears rolling down my cheeks thinking of Luca.
While starting over here in Kansas has been a good thing, it’s also sad to feel that something is missing. In Okinawa, I kept Luca’s room as a special place devoted to him, and at the moment we are living in an empty house waiting for our things to arrive from Japan. In Okinawa, I felt so many connections to the beauty of the island that made me feel so much closer and connected to my angel. My friends and family know that rainbows have always been a sign for me that Luca is right here with me. I knew it would be different here in Kansas. And it is. It is a new place that has a different sort of beauty. The skies and fields are so vast and the sunsets are beautiful. I think of Luca when I look at all of the gorgeous clouds in the sky or am just enjoying the beautiful fall weather. A few weeks ago, we were on our way to pick up my family. I had been feeling sad that day, just missing my boy and wishing he was with us to greet my family at the airport. As we approached the airport, a tiny little baby rainbow appeared in the clouds! The first one I had seen in Kansas! My heart swelled with joy as I thought of my little angel here with us as we picked up my family. Turns out they saw it from the plane too and had the same feelings.
God truly knows what we need and when we need it and for that we are truly blessed. As I pass this 34 week milestone with baby boy, I am trying to keep that in mind. While I cannot control the outcome of this pregnancy, I know that He will be walking this journey with me and will provide the strength and comfort that I need to carry this baby as long as I can, and bring him into this world into our loving arms. ❤