For weeks now, I have thought about starting a blog. Mostly to speak about my experience surrounding the loss of my son. But also in hopes that my thoughts will reach someone else who has faced this sort of loss. To let them know that they are not alone in this journey. But this blog is mostly for me. To have a voice. A means to communicate about our beautiful son. Losing your baby is not something that people want to discuss. It is not happy or comfortable. It is not easy. But, if you are reading this and have children of your own, you know that your kids are your life. If you lost them, that would not change. Imagine if when your baby was born the doctor said, “Okay, you can have him for a few hours, and then you must say goodbye. You will never see him again and you probably shouldn’t talk about him either.” This is how I feel sometimes. I know that talking about him won’t ever bring him back. But talking about him is what heals me.
Today is special as it is four months since Luca’s birthday. Happy heavenly four months, my sweet baby! The days leading up to the 5th of each month are always emotional for me as I imagine what he would look like by now… how he would have grown. I see my friends post monthly pictures of their babies and I imagine what my life would be like at this point. How would he be sleeping and eating? Would he look more like me or his daddy? Would he be so chubby by now? Would he smile at me every day? These thoughts are both happy and sad. Most days since Luca died I still cry. But, crying is a good thing. I am making small steps on this very long and complicated journey through grief. Grief is not linear. Some days are good, but then there are days that are just impossible. Impossible to imagine how I will ever find happiness again. Impossible to comprehend how this is actually my life. Impossible to understand my relationship with God. I am learning to have patience with myself and to not push those feeling of deep sadness away when they come, because if I let them be, I can eventually be happier after. As the days pass, I am slowly able to experience more joy and not feel guilty about those little shreds of happiness. Not feel like I should not be allowed to be happy. Luca would want me to be happy. And I know that he is happy because he shows me in so many ways each day that he is okay and he is with me.
As time continues to go on, my greatest fear is that the world will forget about Luca and his beautiful little life. I want to keep his memory alive and honor him in the best way that I can, because I will always be his mommy. I want to be very real and talk about what it is like to experience such loss, because I have learned that so many other parents have faced this. Experiencing such grief can be the most lonely process and I hope that our story might give an ounce of hope to another bereaved family. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or if a week or month from now I will be up to continuing to share my thoughts, but I know that I will always do my best to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward to live for Luca. ❤